I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
