hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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