I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
