i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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