Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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