I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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