Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Randomize
