how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
