I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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