I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
