When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
