420 ftw
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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