I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
