looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
