Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
