Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
