how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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