my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
