Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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