Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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