so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
