Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
