He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
