I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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