Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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