either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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