I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
