I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
whose ass print is on the piano?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
