my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
