I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
