So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
