So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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