Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
