You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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