apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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