Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
