All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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