she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
