i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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