Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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