How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
