so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
