U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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