his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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