Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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