So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
