Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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