She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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