I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
