Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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